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Post by simplyme on Nov 4, 2013 1:23:02 GMT
Hi Pals,
I am 29 yrs old guy, almost well settled. I came to terms with myself couple of years back. My parents are pressurizing me to get married. I had no other excuse but to get engaged. Now that I am engaged I am having cold feet. I don't know if I really want to do this. My life would be a lie after getting married and it's a hard thing to live with.
I don't want to hurt my family. My parents are traditionally conserved. I won't say they are religious because they never forced me to do any religious things nor did they asked me to avoid doing something religious. But I have an idea that they do not have any clue about gay guys. If I ever come out to them then their hearts would be broken. I am kind of their perfect ideal son and all my relatives give my example to their kids about various things. Now I am at cross roads. I can't tell them who I am and I can't live a lie. I am looking at pros and cons of this. I am not living with my parents coz of work. So they can't bug me everytime but as I am engaged I can postpone wedding which is about in couple of months. I am really anxious about it. I have to take medications to calm myself. I keep telling myself that I am bisexual but I have never been with a girl. God knows what it actually is but deep down I always have known that I like men.
I would be glad if you guys can advise me or if anyone in a similar situation can help me out. I would appreciate your replies, suggestions and advices.
Thanks.
Regards
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Post by sarbat on Nov 5, 2013 16:17:08 GMT
Hi dear. How are you ? Dont be soo stress even i knw it must be very hard for u. I also have the same situation where whole family and ppl around me make me as an example to their kids. I hve try in a relationship with 3 girls. I like girls but i knw that i like me more and even sometimes i feel like i only like men. I cant give u any better advice. What can i suggest u is just run away. As far as u can. U hve 2 option. 1. If u still want to respect ur parents, their name and family aroun just do it even i dont knw, will u able to stay for long or not. 2. Open up to ur family or run away. Thats what im thinking about me. Ehat will i do one day if this case really happen to me where my parents ask me to get mrrd. U can privately msg me ya to sarbatsingh@rocketmail.com Rab Rakha dear  |
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Post by 1amongstU on Nov 20, 2013 0:14:04 GMT
Hi Pals, I am 29 yrs old guy, almost well settled. I came to terms with myself couple of years back. My parents are pressurizing me to get married. I had no other excuse but to get engaged. Now that I am engaged I am having cold feet. I don't know if I really want to do this. My life would be a lie after getting married and it's a hard thing to live with. I don't want to hurt my family. My parents are traditionally conserved. I won't say they are religious because they never forced me to do any religious things nor did they asked me to avoid doing something religious. But I have an idea that they do not have any clue about gay guys. If I ever come out to them then their hearts would be broken. I am kind of their perfect ideal son and all my relatives give my example to their kids about various things. Now I am at cross roads. I can't tell them who I am and I can't live a lie. I am looking at pros and cons of this. I am not living with my parents coz of work. So they can't bug me everytime but as I am engaged I can postpone wedding which is about in couple of months. I am really anxious about it. I have to take medications to calm myself. I keep telling myself that I am bisexual but I have never been with a girl. God knows what it actually is but deep down I always have known that I like men. I would be glad if you guys can advise me or if anyone in a similar situation can help me out. I would appreciate your replies, suggestions and advices. Thanks. Regards So basically you got engaged to a girl, "forced"...hmm hope you realise how much shit your going to put her through. Plain selfish. |
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Post by notsure on Dec 1, 2013 11:11:16 GMT
simplyme,
think about yourself and that girl...if it doesn't work out it'll be harder for the girl to move on.
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Post by barnsbury on Dec 1, 2013 13:26:52 GMT
I would not get married to a girl. Period.
You are gay, and that is all there is to it. You cannot live a lie for the rest of your life. I have seen this happen to many Sikh gay men. And it will end in despair, heartache and tears.
Do whatever you can to avoid getting married. It is a shame you accepted the engagement, and it is now only two months away. I don't know how you are going to get out of this one.
If you are not able to reveal your true sexuality, then you must come up with some other story to cancel this wedding.
Either way, your family will be hurt. But, going through with a sham marriage and the inevitable consequences that will bring, will only hurt you and your family more.
Please cancel it now.
Best of luck, please let us know how you get on.
Kind regards
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Post by ssingh123 on Dec 15, 2013 2:15:50 GMT
I really empathise with your situation my friend. Must be torture. I married at 25 only later to discover I have a gay side . After 20years marriage and two teenage children, I could not keep in my feelings and confessed to my wife that was always physically and sexually attracted to men. Even though our marriage has been in trouble for many years, it devasted my wife to hear that my attraction to men is now very strong. After counselling, we have agreed separation and divorce. However, we have agreed compromise and not tell world about my gay side until im ready if I choose to cos its a massive massive thing for us,asian blokes. Loads of pressure to confirm but dont sucked into the bxxxshxt my friendship. We all have to look after no. 1,at end of day, parents will not be here forever. After living with personal struggles for 20 years, show yourself loving kindness. You cant do this to that poor girl and her family. She'll get over it and find another-plenty fish in the sea both uk and overseas. End the engagement immediately because you are deceiving everyone inc.,yourself. Just say you dont to married becos you want to focus on working life. dont ever have intimate relationship with women but dont come out either. Just be happy in your skin and have discreet fun or relationship with man well away from family and community until your choice to come our. Or you shud see gay counsellor for professional guidance. Best of luck buddy, I wish you all the best, become whole or you well forever be fragmented with gay curiosities like I was in my marriage.,ssingh
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Post by ssukh28 on Dec 16, 2013 10:20:43 GMT
I really empathise with your situation my friend. Must be torture. I married at 25 only later to discover I have a gay side . After 20years marriage and two teenage children, I could not keep in my feelings and confessed to my wife that was always physically and sexually attracted to men. Even though our marriage has been in trouble for many years, it devasted my wife to hear that my attraction to men is now very strong. After counselling, we have agreed separation and divorce. However, we have agreed compromise and not tell world about my gay side until im ready if I choose to cos its a massive massive thing for us,asian blokes. Loads of pressure to confirm but dont sucked into the bxxxshxt my friendship. We all have to look after no. 1,at end of day, parents will not be here forever. After living with personal struggles for 20 years, show yourself loving kindness. You cant do this to that poor girl and her family. She'll get over it and find another-plenty fish in the sea both uk and overseas. End the engagement immediately because you are deceiving everyone inc.,yourself. Just say you dont to married becos you want to focus on working life. dont ever have intimate relationship with women but dont come out either. Just be happy in your skin and have discreet fun or relationship with man well away from family and community until your choice to come our. Or you shud see gay counsellor for professional guidance. Best of luck buddy, I wish you all the best, become whole or you well forever be fragmented with gay curiosities like I was in my marriage.,ssingh That's actually really good advice. Going away from home, no matter what the reason is probably the best idea. I assume you live with your parents. Get away from them and your family. Learn who you are and what you want. I know our Western friends tell us at the end of the day our parents want us to be happy. That never seems to be the case with Indian parents. Indian parents don't really believe in a liberal attitude to love for heterosexual or homosexual people. Of course it's harder for us homosexuals because if we get married to someone of the opposite sex we need to have sex with someone whose genitals we have no attraction to (there is only so much viagra you can take  ). My point is that you should try and get out and become who you are. Don't worry about what your parents think of you calling off this wedding. Even if you have to lie and say that you would rather get married later and make it work but at the moment you don't feel that you are ready to get married that would help you. I pray that you will make the right decision for yourself and your fiancee. |
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Post by mockaur2013 on Dec 16, 2013 23:45:02 GMT
I am really surprised to read some of the short sighted responses that I have read.
I am a divorce lawyer and I can tell you that I have seen so many heterosexual marriages that don't work out (parents have arranged their marriages) .....and these children have ONLY married to observe their parents respect.....we all do it ...because we don't want to be the bad apple of the parents eyes, who brings the family into disrepute.
I am all for marriages of convenience...if you get a jat Sikh male and a jat Sikh female (who don't want to marry because of the likelihood that their sexuality will never be tolerated or accepted) then why cant they come together for their mutual gains.....its a contract of marriage ....at least these children will have 2 loving parents bringing them up.
Come on all of you lets help each other and see if we have any genuine cases of persons seeking marriage of conveniences...........im searching too.....I want a jatt Sikh male, aged between 35 and 45 - anyone interested?
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Post by mockaur2013 on Dec 16, 2013 23:45:22 GMT
I am really surprised to read some of the short sighted responses that I have read.
I am a divorce lawyer and I can tell you that I have seen so many heterosexual marriages that don't work out (parents have arranged their marriages) .....and these children have ONLY married to observe their parents respect.....we all do it ...because we don't want to be the bad apple of the parents eyes, who brings the family into disrepute.
I am all for marriages of convenience...if you get a jat Sikh male and a jat Sikh female (who don't want to marry because of the likelihood that their sexuality will never be tolerated or accepted) then why cant they come together for their mutual gains.....its a contract of marriage ....at least these children will have 2 loving parents bringing them up.
Come on all of you lets help each other and see if we have any genuine cases of persons seeking marriage of conveniences...........im searching too.....I want a jatt Sikh male, aged between 35 and 45 - anyone interested?
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Post by simplyme on Dec 28, 2013 14:19:42 GMT
Hi Pals,
Thank you all for your support and love. I really appreciate that most of you haven't judged me.
1amogstu, I really tried hard to avoid engagement but I couldn't. I was a shy teen at school, sexually abused as a kid, bullied and picked by other kids as a school. I am very introvert when it comes to expressing my feeling.It was very difficult for me to be comfortable in my own skin.
So may be that was the reason for my cowardly act. But I still have the time to cancel this wedding. I just don't want to bring any dishonor to the family or disrespect my family. They have gone to great length for raising me with all the things a kid could ever ask for. Unfortunately I don't see any way out of it. I managed to postpone the wedding date for few months. But still am not out of it.
I really appreciate your feedback.
Thanks.
Regards.
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Post by Seetal on Feb 23, 2014 20:30:21 GMT
Hey SimplyMe,
I hope you do break off the engagement as you will ruin two families lives, and that is a very selfish thing to do. I had a good friend who married a gay sikh unknowingly and she eventually caught him red handed as he could not contain his lust for the same gender. I have also known of this happening with another sikh guy and he had a child with his wife and eventually he decided to divorce her and live with his partner.
Please do not make the same mistake these people ended up making. You have the chance to make it right now, eventually your parents will understand, you just need to be honest with them and tell them this is who you are and you would be happy if they would accept your way of life with their blessings. I wish you all the best and hope you make the right choice not just for yourself but for the good of your family and the woman whom you plan to marry.
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Post by mockaur2013 on Feb 25, 2014 0:02:12 GMT
Simply Me
You are right....who are we to judge? and who has the right to judge you? some folks/parents wont change because the generation gap remains the same....you need to find a reason why you cant go ahead with the marriage ...perhaps its better if the boys side broke the engagement off....all the very best .....I pray for you
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idnihh
Junior Member
Posts: 12 
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Post by idnihh on Mar 12, 2014 19:36:54 GMT
Hi simplyme
I read your post and not sure if it is too late to give you any advice.I am 60years old gay guy living within my family circle.I have never come out to my family about my sexuality.Thankfully I have/had parents with liberal attitudes but I had to goo through the phase where due to family pressure had to meet girls to get married. I went through the traditional meeting girls etc when deep down i knew what i was. After meeting a girl I always made an excuse about something not being suitable. After a few of these meetings i found that was not right why am i doing this why pretend to go through this and put those poor girls through this. So in the end i told my parents that i will tell them when i am ready to get married. One thing after another within family life i was spared this dilemma you are going through. You are in a good position in the sense that you do not live with your parents. SO just tell them that you are not yet ready for marriage. Dont put your self through all that misery and no doubt if after the marriage the hell the both families will have to go thorugh when they find out. Better to SAY NO now or later live with regert and shame that the whole family will feel.
I have seen friends get married for the sake of getting married due to family pressure GAY and straight friends BE brave and have the courage to say NO now. if ever you need help advice u can email me or message here Best wishes H
ps: if you do decide that you will not go through have the courage to sit and tell the girl that its nothing to do with her but that you your self who is not ready for married life.
people will talk regardless but do not worry aboutit, that is what people do if you do the right thing or not. this is your life live it the way you want to.
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). My point is that you should try and get out and become who you are. Don't worry about what your parents think of you calling off this wedding. Even if you have to lie and say that you would rather get married later and make it work but at the moment you don't feel that you are ready to get married that would help you. I pray that you will make the right decision for yourself and your fiancee. 