Post by disowned13 on Dec 12, 2016 5:44:09 GMT
I've been runnning away time and time again, knowing where ever I may go, the problems the fear the the scary thoughts will follow. Someone who once had everything family friends a friendly smile wanting to live life, it was all taken away when the one word which defines me GAY was not acceptable by all the people who claimed to love me unconditionally. They let go of me in an instant as they I was plague stricken and they didn't want to catch the disease from me. In a blink of an eye lid everything was taken from me...I let is be and the "Tera bhana meeta laage" it's my Gurus will.
I moved forward with life and was blessed to meet some very good accepting people who again helped me to start living again. They accepted me for who was, the acceptance and love filled me with hope again. I then met that one special person which would change things completely. His name Ray and individual with a capturing personality his laughter to bring anyone to smiles, his sense of humour to brighten your darkest days. How it started I don't I enjoyed his company,, his jokes, his Witt all I know is I felt a warmthness being with him. The connection grew, I was always waiting to talk him see him. This one particular August morning, a satrurday, Ray picked me up we were going for a walk through Windsor park. We were walking talking joking about things. When the next moment I felt 2 hands on my shoulders, I turned back and I remember who he pulled me close to his chest and held me. At that moment I felt the most protected the most shielded and for the first time the flow of love just taking over me. I pulled back out of his arms by force, Ray with a horrified look on his face, what happened he said? "This can't happen it shouldn't happen". I'm a Sikh. Look at me see my turban my beard my way of
Life. Why should that matter I like you for who you are religion culture colour has no affect on me. Ray was an Irish catholic from quite an orthodox family. You say that now Ray your friends family wound never accept me, it was then he told me how he too wasn't out to his family. You and I can both over come this if we have each other we can face both our families together. No No you'll leave me, you'll find someone better and leave me, holding his jacket I kept reaping the same words. He gently pulled me In wrapped his arms around me and whispered I'll never leave you even if you told me too. Holding me close his arms around me tightly This was it, this was the man I want to be with forever. The relationship grew deeper very quick my life was happy, I was smiling again. 3 years raced by but everyday felt like we had just fallen in love. 5 of our best friends knew about us other than that it was kept very low keep. Scarred of repurcusions in cas either one of our families found out. January 2007 a week or so before it would be February I notice Ray behaving a little withdrawn I asked time and time again what the problem was and each time he would say nothing. One evening I asked again and for the first time ever he shouted at me saying nothing is wrong. That same evening a friend of mine called saying a few of them were going away for a week why don't I join them. Without evening thinking full of anger I said yes, Ray just looking straight at me. I was leaving in 2 days time emotions where all over the place I was convinced Ray was going to leave me. The day before I was leaving we met, without any waiting he hugged me tightly as to never to let go. He kissed my forehead and said I will always love you and that it my heart . The following morning he drove me to the airport he kept looking at me, as it was time to board he hugged me tightly looking at me as though he wanted to remember my face. Ray I don't want to go I'm going cancel the trip I want to be with you. He smiled and convinced me to go saying I'll always be with you please believe me. We departed him in one direction mysoft in the opposite.
The next 5 days were not easy all I could think of was Ray, how I wanted to see him be next to him, our relationship was never sexual it was a connection of the souls the mind. Finally it was touch down back at Heathrow and all I could think of was Ray how I'm going to hold and not let go, show him the gifts I had for him. I pulled out my phone and called him it went straight to his voice mail it was Sunday afternoon I assumed he was out doing things. I got home washed up and went to check my 2nd phone which was strictly for conversations. Between Ray and I and texts messages. I checked my voicemail numerous messages from Ray saying how much he missed me and how it was hard being without each other but we have to get you to it, but then also saying I'll always be with you. I thought he may have had a couple of beers and was talking silly.
Following morning I got up ready for work put all of Rays gifts in to the car. It was a dark miserable morning cloud raining, I couldn't get in to the office fast enough. I got to the office placed everything at my desk and the went to Rays desk. The desk was pretty much empty I assumed their had been office move. Ray would usually get in to the office for 7.45am, I made coffee went back to my cubicle. At 8am he still hadn't arrived I called his cell and no answer. I'm thinking he's on his way just delayed. About 10 mins later my manager Liz who was also a close friend and knew about me and Ray was walking over. We exchanged greatimg and asked how my trip was, great I said. She then asked me to come in to her office as she wanted to talk, nothing serious I hope am I in trouble! She replied no but her voice low and quivering. We walked in to her office my close friends Lucy and Ian were there too. Hey guys what's happening? So good to be back and see you guys. Is Ray off today I ask looking at Liz! Liz walked towards me and sat me down. Holding my hands she said "Ray has left us" left us I said? I knew it I knew there was someone else. Who did he leave with. Liz her eyes tearing up said "jazz he's gone never to come back" I know he won't how's he going to face me ,all those lies he said how he would never leave me. Liz gripped my hands harder "Jazz listen to me Ray is dead he can't come back even if he wanted to". I looked at Liz and then at Lucy and Ian both of them with tears in their eyes nodding to say yes it was true. He left me, he left me he said he would never leave me. I called out his name and then could not control the emotions the crying, my soul mate had left I was all alone again. My life had ended, if there's no Ray then what do I do. Liz then explained how Ray's sister had found out about him being gay and had threatened that if he didn't change his ways she would tell the family. Over days and weeks he was festering over this and the fear of how his family would react petrified him. Then one morning Feb 5th 2006 when Ray was still not up his mom went to check his bedroom and found him dead he had overdosed on a mixture of medical drugs.
My heart ached I was responsible I should have never left him alone I killed Ray. My friends held me closely as I cried uncontrollably the idea of not seeing ray was killing me. How I would give up the world to see him talk to him just one last time.
Liz gave a letter which was found in Rays desk with my name on it I opened the letter, which read "I will always be with you I will always love you, I was to weak to fight the family and society norms" but Jassi as he would call me, "you have to be stronger live life be proud of who you are" Untill we meet again, I'll always be by your side.
My life was over without Ray I was nothing I had no worth, no one deserved this kind of punishment.
Following this I changed as a person bitter angry nasty, being alone not wanting to go out be with friends talk nothing. I wasn't eating my personal appearance would be commented on rapidly losing weight.
My faith in Guru Sahib was withering I kept saying "Tera Bhana Meetha laage" but I was finding it hard to accept. By September I had changed internally and externally . October 16th I wasn't feeling to good I hadn't been able to digest food and if I did I was sick and throwing up. This one morning I rushed to the washroom started to throw up, But this time I was throwing up gushes of blood which didn't want to stop, my mother standing behind let out a scream and immediately called for an Ambulance. Taken to the hospital and following a number tests it was confirmed I was diagnosed with a tumour in the lower abdominal. Again I thought "Tera Bhana Meetha Laage" The treatment started with surgery and cycles of chemotherapy and radiation. Looking in the mirror the first time I could not recognize myself my Kesh my Dhara every hair on my body had gone. "Baksh le Guru Sahib" show mercy have a I angered you so much that you are giving me a test after test. The next few month were difficult members of my extended family would laugh at me make jokes but I tried to ignore them. Eventually I went in to remission, but deep down I had not wanted to survive. My hair gradually began to come back but I did not go for my Peshi to be bleesd with Khande ki Pual again.
Within a short time I found myself drink smoking doing drugs anything which would ease the pain of remembering Ray I was using it. I also had no desire to live in the U.K. Anymore I wanted to get out.
In 2009 I moved to Vancouver BC Canada, thinking my problems would end, forgetting problems will exist until u face them.
I continued with my drunken lifestyle, smoking up to 40 cigarettes a day and weed every night. As I had my sisters in Canada I thought they would help me and understand but they were busy with their lives. I had come out to my older sister about being gay which she accepted. However my other sister was and is against homosexuality and since she has found out about me. It was like she would do everything to turn everyone against me.
Eventually I stopped the drinking the partying drugs and came back in to the fold of my Guru Sahib who is always forgivening, again people who I thought were friends left knowing I was no longer going to indulge in drinking smoking partying and therefore no good to them. Again I thought whatever Guru Sahib wishes.
Last year June my sister in a fit of rage outed me in a house full of people which included my mom aunts uncles friends and many more. I left without saying a word. My older sister communicates to me but I know they will make things harder for her too and so told her not to visit or call.
I've never felt so alone or helplesss in my life i seekh guidance form. Guru Sahib but feel as though I can't hold on much longer. My 21 year old nephew had actually said to me "I don't deserve to live and should kill myself put everyone out of their missery" Am I that bad am I making things so difficult for my family. If ending my life will make it easier for others then may be I Should. A couple of weeks to the end of 2016 with me ending my life 2017 will be a new beginning for the rest. Is being Gay such a crime that only death can cleanse it.
I moved forward with life and was blessed to meet some very good accepting people who again helped me to start living again. They accepted me for who was, the acceptance and love filled me with hope again. I then met that one special person which would change things completely. His name Ray and individual with a capturing personality his laughter to bring anyone to smiles, his sense of humour to brighten your darkest days. How it started I don't I enjoyed his company,, his jokes, his Witt all I know is I felt a warmthness being with him. The connection grew, I was always waiting to talk him see him. This one particular August morning, a satrurday, Ray picked me up we were going for a walk through Windsor park. We were walking talking joking about things. When the next moment I felt 2 hands on my shoulders, I turned back and I remember who he pulled me close to his chest and held me. At that moment I felt the most protected the most shielded and for the first time the flow of love just taking over me. I pulled back out of his arms by force, Ray with a horrified look on his face, what happened he said? "This can't happen it shouldn't happen". I'm a Sikh. Look at me see my turban my beard my way of
Life. Why should that matter I like you for who you are religion culture colour has no affect on me. Ray was an Irish catholic from quite an orthodox family. You say that now Ray your friends family wound never accept me, it was then he told me how he too wasn't out to his family. You and I can both over come this if we have each other we can face both our families together. No No you'll leave me, you'll find someone better and leave me, holding his jacket I kept reaping the same words. He gently pulled me In wrapped his arms around me and whispered I'll never leave you even if you told me too. Holding me close his arms around me tightly This was it, this was the man I want to be with forever. The relationship grew deeper very quick my life was happy, I was smiling again. 3 years raced by but everyday felt like we had just fallen in love. 5 of our best friends knew about us other than that it was kept very low keep. Scarred of repurcusions in cas either one of our families found out. January 2007 a week or so before it would be February I notice Ray behaving a little withdrawn I asked time and time again what the problem was and each time he would say nothing. One evening I asked again and for the first time ever he shouted at me saying nothing is wrong. That same evening a friend of mine called saying a few of them were going away for a week why don't I join them. Without evening thinking full of anger I said yes, Ray just looking straight at me. I was leaving in 2 days time emotions where all over the place I was convinced Ray was going to leave me. The day before I was leaving we met, without any waiting he hugged me tightly as to never to let go. He kissed my forehead and said I will always love you and that it my heart . The following morning he drove me to the airport he kept looking at me, as it was time to board he hugged me tightly looking at me as though he wanted to remember my face. Ray I don't want to go I'm going cancel the trip I want to be with you. He smiled and convinced me to go saying I'll always be with you please believe me. We departed him in one direction mysoft in the opposite.
The next 5 days were not easy all I could think of was Ray, how I wanted to see him be next to him, our relationship was never sexual it was a connection of the souls the mind. Finally it was touch down back at Heathrow and all I could think of was Ray how I'm going to hold and not let go, show him the gifts I had for him. I pulled out my phone and called him it went straight to his voice mail it was Sunday afternoon I assumed he was out doing things. I got home washed up and went to check my 2nd phone which was strictly for conversations. Between Ray and I and texts messages. I checked my voicemail numerous messages from Ray saying how much he missed me and how it was hard being without each other but we have to get you to it, but then also saying I'll always be with you. I thought he may have had a couple of beers and was talking silly.
Following morning I got up ready for work put all of Rays gifts in to the car. It was a dark miserable morning cloud raining, I couldn't get in to the office fast enough. I got to the office placed everything at my desk and the went to Rays desk. The desk was pretty much empty I assumed their had been office move. Ray would usually get in to the office for 7.45am, I made coffee went back to my cubicle. At 8am he still hadn't arrived I called his cell and no answer. I'm thinking he's on his way just delayed. About 10 mins later my manager Liz who was also a close friend and knew about me and Ray was walking over. We exchanged greatimg and asked how my trip was, great I said. She then asked me to come in to her office as she wanted to talk, nothing serious I hope am I in trouble! She replied no but her voice low and quivering. We walked in to her office my close friends Lucy and Ian were there too. Hey guys what's happening? So good to be back and see you guys. Is Ray off today I ask looking at Liz! Liz walked towards me and sat me down. Holding my hands she said "Ray has left us" left us I said? I knew it I knew there was someone else. Who did he leave with. Liz her eyes tearing up said "jazz he's gone never to come back" I know he won't how's he going to face me ,all those lies he said how he would never leave me. Liz gripped my hands harder "Jazz listen to me Ray is dead he can't come back even if he wanted to". I looked at Liz and then at Lucy and Ian both of them with tears in their eyes nodding to say yes it was true. He left me, he left me he said he would never leave me. I called out his name and then could not control the emotions the crying, my soul mate had left I was all alone again. My life had ended, if there's no Ray then what do I do. Liz then explained how Ray's sister had found out about him being gay and had threatened that if he didn't change his ways she would tell the family. Over days and weeks he was festering over this and the fear of how his family would react petrified him. Then one morning Feb 5th 2006 when Ray was still not up his mom went to check his bedroom and found him dead he had overdosed on a mixture of medical drugs.
My heart ached I was responsible I should have never left him alone I killed Ray. My friends held me closely as I cried uncontrollably the idea of not seeing ray was killing me. How I would give up the world to see him talk to him just one last time.
Liz gave a letter which was found in Rays desk with my name on it I opened the letter, which read "I will always be with you I will always love you, I was to weak to fight the family and society norms" but Jassi as he would call me, "you have to be stronger live life be proud of who you are" Untill we meet again, I'll always be by your side.
My life was over without Ray I was nothing I had no worth, no one deserved this kind of punishment.
Following this I changed as a person bitter angry nasty, being alone not wanting to go out be with friends talk nothing. I wasn't eating my personal appearance would be commented on rapidly losing weight.
My faith in Guru Sahib was withering I kept saying "Tera Bhana Meetha laage" but I was finding it hard to accept. By September I had changed internally and externally . October 16th I wasn't feeling to good I hadn't been able to digest food and if I did I was sick and throwing up. This one morning I rushed to the washroom started to throw up, But this time I was throwing up gushes of blood which didn't want to stop, my mother standing behind let out a scream and immediately called for an Ambulance. Taken to the hospital and following a number tests it was confirmed I was diagnosed with a tumour in the lower abdominal. Again I thought "Tera Bhana Meetha Laage" The treatment started with surgery and cycles of chemotherapy and radiation. Looking in the mirror the first time I could not recognize myself my Kesh my Dhara every hair on my body had gone. "Baksh le Guru Sahib" show mercy have a I angered you so much that you are giving me a test after test. The next few month were difficult members of my extended family would laugh at me make jokes but I tried to ignore them. Eventually I went in to remission, but deep down I had not wanted to survive. My hair gradually began to come back but I did not go for my Peshi to be bleesd with Khande ki Pual again.
Within a short time I found myself drink smoking doing drugs anything which would ease the pain of remembering Ray I was using it. I also had no desire to live in the U.K. Anymore I wanted to get out.
In 2009 I moved to Vancouver BC Canada, thinking my problems would end, forgetting problems will exist until u face them.
I continued with my drunken lifestyle, smoking up to 40 cigarettes a day and weed every night. As I had my sisters in Canada I thought they would help me and understand but they were busy with their lives. I had come out to my older sister about being gay which she accepted. However my other sister was and is against homosexuality and since she has found out about me. It was like she would do everything to turn everyone against me.
Eventually I stopped the drinking the partying drugs and came back in to the fold of my Guru Sahib who is always forgivening, again people who I thought were friends left knowing I was no longer going to indulge in drinking smoking partying and therefore no good to them. Again I thought whatever Guru Sahib wishes.
Last year June my sister in a fit of rage outed me in a house full of people which included my mom aunts uncles friends and many more. I left without saying a word. My older sister communicates to me but I know they will make things harder for her too and so told her not to visit or call.
I've never felt so alone or helplesss in my life i seekh guidance form. Guru Sahib but feel as though I can't hold on much longer. My 21 year old nephew had actually said to me "I don't deserve to live and should kill myself put everyone out of their missery" Am I that bad am I making things so difficult for my family. If ending my life will make it easier for others then may be I Should. A couple of weeks to the end of 2016 with me ending my life 2017 will be a new beginning for the rest. Is being Gay such a crime that only death can cleanse it.
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